The Emotional Dam Burst Open Today

Junu, Seulub and Supria are ready to for a joy ride on Sanu's scooter. They were having so much fun, lots of laughs. Junu and Seulub are especially close and if ever I could adopt again, he would be my son. I adore him...and so does Junu.

Today has been the hardest yet. Junu is still very reserved, even though she has moments of acceptance. To not be able to care for her the way I desire, because she is not ready, is beyond difficult. It is excruciating. Today my prayer was to remember that God is at the center of everything and even though I am saddened, I continue to trust that God is right where we are now. I prayed for more strength and patience. My prayers have been many. All the other children are overjoyed with my presence, seeking me out, wanting to be hugged, picked up, swung, etc. Junu still hasn't come to me on her own. I am crying as I write this because today the flood gates of my emotions burst, they just couldn't be contained any longer. I've held it together and been so strong through this process, but today was time to feel all the feelings. Most of all it is the feeling of sadness. Sadness that she is where she is and I can't yet express my mother self.

It has been 4 days and well, I guess each day I see and feel more. The first few days I was so focused upon Junu and just the shear joy of meeting, I think I blocked out where she really is living. Today, however, I saw so much that made my heart ache beyond belief. The way they sleep, how the didis set them all up on the little potties, how they are fed, how they are dressed and how they don't get a parent's love. Now as I have said, I am so grateful for the woman who care for my daughter, they are really wonderful, but it is still an institution and that is what I saw today, an institution that lacks many of the comforts we take for granted. It's cold, stark and small. Most of the time, the clothes are too big or too small. They don't have enough socks and their little feet seem so cold to me. Today Junu was watching one of the didis getting herself ready to go out for an errand. Junu watched intently as the didi combed her hair put on a pretty jacket and then got 4 of the children ready. I guess they were going to the hospital for check ups. The children were dressed in "better" clothes than usual. Junu became upset and one of the didis said she wanted to change her clothes (which she has had the same shirt on for 3 days). The language barrier is also not making this any easier. So I asked if they could get some fresh clothes for her and they did, but when I went to put them on she resisted. I thought she was resisting me, but what she wanted was pretty clothes. The clothes they gave me were as you would expect, older, worn and boyish in style. I just wanted to weep right there on the floor, with everyone standing there. She just wanted something pretty. I tried to communicate my understanding. I don't know if she got it.

Dad and I are making a list of what the orphanage needs and we will be doing what we can to provide those items. In the meantime, I keep remaining hopeful the U.S. will grant Junu a visa sooner rather than later. All the other countries who had pipeline families with child matches, processed those adoptions and granted visas without difficulty. The U. S. is the ONLY country who has denied visas to these kids and has stranded many of its citizens here in Kathmandu. There are approximately 10 or more families who have chosen to stay here until visas are issued, some have been here since August, how is this right in any way??? Many others have had to leave their children in the orphanage or make other arrangements for the child's care because the U.S. won't issue a visa. And in all of these cases, not one has shown to be fraudulent, but because we can't prove fraud didn't happen, the big ole "not clearly approveable" has been stamped on Junu's file as well as many other families. It is terrible and I can't get into this right now, but I will be posting more information about this after I sign the adoption decree which is Thursday.

There is so much more, but I am emotionally wiped out. I left today with a heavy heart. Tomorrow is a new day and I will continue to pray for God to move mountains. While in the midst of this emotional state, I can still see the blessings and I still have great hope. The people of Nepal are beautiful.
Peace and blessings,
Sharlyn