Friday, January 14, 2011

Bottle Neck

Junu around 2 years old.
Love Trio

I'm in the bottle neck.  That place of squeeze prior to the flow.  I feel I'm being squeezed from every direction, outward in and inward out.  Sometimes it's difficult to breathe.  The tears just want to rip out of my body, but somehow they remain their own "gated community"; very selective, aloof most of the time and definitely protective.  I'm letting go and holding on.  I'm excited and terrified.  I'm alone and united.  I'm anxious and calm.  I'm in a revolving paradoxical door and quite frankly it's more than uncomfortable.  BUT....the reason I am here supersedes the unknowns and the fear attached.  I breath in and I trust.

Today is Friday and in two weeks I will be landing in Kathmandu to reunite with my daughter Junu.  Between now and then the impossible needs to happen.  I'm moving all my belongings into storage this weekend.  My choice to move has been a difficult one.  In fact my decision to go back to Nepal has pushed upon many people I love.  It has caused it's own level of stress for many, but I still need to go.  I still need to be with Junu, I still need to walk through these changes and trust.  Once I move out of my current home, I am staying at a friend's home until I leave on 1/24.  I took my 2 sweet dogs to the groomer yesterday and cried, because I need to find a new home for them.  Given I am not really certain when I will be back, I feel it is best to find them a new and stable home.  They are both shelter dogs and it breaks my heart to have to transition them again.  DJ, my groomer, was helpful and hopeful I could find them a home.  I really want them to stay together because they are each others comfort, playmate and mother/daughter to one another.  I also have my boy Pip.  The coolest black cat.  He loves the dogs and often grooms them, it makes me sad to let him go also.  I wish there were aspects of my life I could just freeze and then thaw out when I return with Junu.  This sweet spunky trio would be at the top of the list for sure.

Someone told me I have this way of turning my emotions on and off like a faucet.  Funny because I always thought I was quite emotional at times, but the truth is, as of late, I have turned them off.  If I think too much I wouldn't be able to move through this time.  The emotions are there, I am not out of touch, but I can't give them too much attention right now.  It's not time.

I have made a plethora of arrangements to handle my financial commitments while I'm gone.  Way overwhelming!!!  This is where being financially independent or winning the lottery would be awesome.  This has been another level of challenge for me.  My resources have been tapped.  I'm doing what I can to make arrangements while I'm gone, but holy crap, so difficult.  Trying to keep my credit in good standing while I'm gone and not generating any income is tricky, but I am managing the best I can.  Many have helped me in this area and I am grateful.  Again, this decsion to go back to Nepal makes NO financial sense, but as a mother it makes perfect sense and the mother in me is the warrior right now.  

Some people have asked my why I didn't adopt here in the U.S. because there clearly is a need right here at home.  True, there are many children within our country who do need loving homes.  I actually did explore this option, but was told by my homestudy agency that adoption in the U.S. for a single parent is less likely, not impossible, but less likely.  You see, most adoptions here in the U.S. are open adoptions, which means the birth parent/parents look through a sort of "catalog" to choose who they want to parent their child.   Each potential family has a bio with pictures and such.  In these cases, most birth parents will choose a family with 2 parents.  Now there is always the option of foster care, but I know my heart and I cannot mother a child and then have that child go back to their birth family.  Just can't do it.  AND, to me children are children wherever ever they come from.  I don't prescribe to the "us and them" mind set.  I see us as a global society, always have, always will.  All the world's children are our children in my eyes.  So here I sit, making decisions I never thought I would have to make and trusting it will all work out in the end.   

So for now I will go, as I need to get on with the packing. However, before I go, I want to again thank everyone who has been on this journey with me.  Some who have just joined this walk with me and others who have been on the path from the early beginnings.  You all know who you are.  It is through these relationships I have been truly blessed.  It is through the love and support I feel on a moment by moment basis that sustains me when I think I can't do it.  I am not alone and I thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, love, support, donations, comfort and belief in Junu and I.  We will be back here soon and when we are, a joyous celebration will occur!   

Peace and blessings,

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